How to Stand Your Ground

Friends, you know how much I like to share my opinion. After all, that’s what I’ve been doing on this channel for years. 😇

But not everyone likes to hear my point of view (gasp! It’s true!) and you may find yourself in that same situation.

Think back to a time when you were trying to get your point across in a civil, cordial manner, but you were being shut out before you had the chance to even convey your message.

It is so darn exasperating to have something important to share, but the person you’re talking to doesn’t even want to hear it.

What often results is a heated exchange where each side tries even harder to get their point across.

The sad part of all of this is that neither side ends up really listening, and each side remains even more entrenched in their perspective.

Let me share with you an approach that turns these exchanges on their head.

Instead of arguing your point and getting more vehement and forceful, you can try this strategy that may take your “opponent” by surprise.

What I'm about to share with you is probably the exact opposite of the advice, tips, or strategies you might expect. Let me start with a recent interaction I had – a real situation that taught me an important lesson about standing my ground.

I found myself in a conversation about a very sensitive topic: abortion.

(I realize your position on this divisive issue may be different than mine, but the reason I’m using this as an example is precisely because it is divisive. Even the hottest topics can be discussed in a clear, rational, level-headed manner.)

Here's what happened: Someone said to me, "Well, Roe v. Wade sure turned our country and our freedom back decades." I asked, "What do you mean by that?" Instead of answering, she started chanting "my body, my rights" – getting louder and angrier with each repetition. Emotions were running high, and I should have let things cool down. These weren't the kind of treacherous waters to wade into at that moment.

I tried to calm things down by asking, "Oh my gosh, I know this is such a divisive topic. Why do you think it is so divisive?" (Which I actually think is a very good question to ask.) The person was already too heated to have a real conversation. When I asked another question – "How do you define elective abortion? What does that mean to you?" – she stood up, said "I'm done, I'm not going to have this conversation," and stomped out of the room.

This experience perfectly illustrates why what I'm about to share is so important.

Generally speaking, asking questions is a great way of standing your ground.

My approach is to have a person tell me everything about their position, point of view, opinions, and experience before I dive in with my own stance. Where I went wrong in this interaction (and I probably did say something like "I can't believe you think that") was diving in too quickly with my opposing view, breaking my own rule of asking and listening first.

A Different Approach to Standing Your Ground

Let's consider a less heated scenario. Say you have a family member who holds a completely opposite view from yours on a medical decision—Let’s go with whether or not to become a human pin-cushion…

Rather than having an intense conversation that ends with slammed doors or worse (I've heard of people getting divorced over such disagreements), here's a way you could stand your ground, waiting to put forth your opinion until the very end:

Here are some helpful phrases you can use (though keep in mind that if you're dealing with an irrational person, as I was in my example, no tips or tricks may actually do the trick – that individual was likely carrying other wounds or anger and wasn't in a position to have a real conversation):

• "Tell me more about your position."

• "Tell me more about how you came to that conclusion."

• "I'd like to understand how your perspective was developed."

This approach is brilliant for several reasons. First, you're engaging them and giving them the opportunity to share while you listen without interruption or argument. You simply say things like "uh-huh," "yes," "go on," "I see," "I hear what you're saying," and "what else can you share that will help me understand your point of view?"

Why This Method Works So Well

First, you're gathering information that you can later use to build your own argument. You don't have to think on the spot or spew out all your positions and thoughts. You can calm yourself down and really listen to what they're saying – sometimes even hearing the flaws in their own argument.

Second, you're allowing them to vent, share, explain, pontificate, persuade, or coerce – whatever they want to do. You're giving them the floor. Now, you might think, "But aren't I giving them all the power by sitting back silently?"

Nope, it's the exact opposite. You have the power because you're sitting quietly, just nodding your head and using phrases like "I see," "go on," "I hear what you're saying," and "what else?"

Lastly, they may fall into their own trap. As they continue speaking, they might realize their argument doesn't hold water. They might not have that strong of a position after all. They might be saying things they can't really back up. While they might not see it at that moment, I guarantee you'll plant a seed. They'll lie awake at night thinking, "What did I say? How did I say it? Do I really believe that?"

Keep these conversations short – no more than five to seven minutes, ten minutes max – because things can spiral out of control. Have these discussions on neutral ground: not at work, not in a car where someone might feel trapped. Go for a walk or meet at a restaurant.

Now, offer to open the door on YOUR point of view

After they've had their say, here's where you get to stand your ground.

First, summarize what they've said: "If I understand correctly, you believe this and that because you said this and that. Did I get it right?" They'll likely think, "Wow, this person is really hearing me."

Next, offer a “door opener”, with a non-emotional statement such as:

• "My experience is different."

• "I see things differently."

• “I have a different point of view.”

Then wait a moment and follow up with one of these questions:

• "Would you like to hear my point view?"

• “Can I share my perspective?”

• Would you like to know what I think about that?”

KEY: Wait for them to agree to hear you out.

This is the power of this strategy. They have just agreed to hear your point of view — that is, if they're rational and truly confident in their position, they should be willing to hear your perspective.

You might even say, "I hear your passion and know you really believe in what you're saying, so you probably wouldn't have any difficulty listening to my point of view, would you?"

In the End

Will you change their mind? Probably not immediately. But you will plant a seed.

Going back to my earlier example - even though I didn't get through to that individual and the conversation fell apart when they left, I know I planted a seed. I'm confident that over time, there's now a crack in their armor. They're going to be uncomfortable the next time they have this kind of conversation. They'll remember some of the comments I made, and even though I couldn't fully get my point of view out, the fact that the conversation went so wrong is telling.

In my view, someone with strong convictions should be able to defend their position rationally and calmly - passionately, yes, but without storming off. When someone leaves like that, it often shows they don't have a well-thought-out argument for a position they feel so strongly about.

Here's the truth: the person you're talking with probably isn't going to change their mind right there, but as they encounter new information or experiences that make them think about this topic again, they might remember your words. That seed might eventually lead them to change their perspective.

This is why I recommend this approach to standing your ground. You can stand with dignity and integrity, knowing you gave that individual the space to share their opinion - just as you would hope for the courtesy of them listening to yours.

Stay pleasant, not combative. Even if they tune you out, you have the opportunity to demonstrate by example that you can stand your ground on hot-button topics without crumbling, without shouting, without letting the conversation break down. And if they get up and leave? You're still standing your ground, still standing in dignity and integrity, still showing by example what it means to live your values.

I believe this is one of the most powerful things we can do - let our life be an example of our values. How we live, how we handle difficult conversations, how we treat others even when we disagree - these are all shining examples for others to see. This is what it truly means to stand your ground.